Holding You.

Yep.

It's 5:16 am and I'm up. I've been up since 2 am. I have a cold (my very first one this pregnancy), I can't breathe, I have a nosebleed, I have a headache, I am so tired, but I just can't sleep. Did I mention the "getting cut open" in 2 days part? Oh, yeah. That too.

I think I may be freaking out a little bit.
Just kinda' quietly. On the inside.

I think I am not ready. I mean, the baby's room is ready. It's been all repainted for awhile now. Her crib is up, her new dresser is in there, the clothes have been freshly washed and put away. She has a few packs of disposable diapers (for now...I really want to switch to cloth), she has her new car seat and stroller and swing. And, she (almost definitely for sure) has her name all picked out. I think she is set. I think. But, I could be forgetting something.

Yes, I've done this before. Twice even. But, the last time was over 4 years ago now and I don't know if I'm remembering everything I should. The first time you have a baby you read all the books and gather all the information and have all your check-lists checked. The second time (if it is close enough to the first), you're set. Yeah, I've been there-done that. No biggie. Easy Peasy. The third time...when it has been years since the second time...you...uh...freak out, apparently.

But, that isn't even the biggest problem.

The biggest problem is that I think I'm just not ready to let you go yet, little one. I know that sounds crazy...but right now you are safe and sound under my heart and you are always with me. Having had two babies before I remember the sad feeling (once the feeling comes back to my body) of not having you there, moving around in my tummy, anymore. You will be in your Daddy's arms, or your Grandma's, or...someone who is visiting you...coming to meet you for the first time. You won't be with me, all the time, ever again.

I can remember thinking, "Can I hold my baby now?" (A Lot).

It's a hard thing that separation. Especially with a c-section because once you are born, who will they hand you to? Your Dad. That's right. I carry you inside of me for 9 months and I'm the last one who actually gets to hold you. The surgeon has you first, then your Dad (briefly), then all the other doctors and nurses, and then I think you even go for a bath and meet your visitors for a bit, and then, finally, somewhere down the line when they've finished with me and I can sit up a bit...I finally get to hold you.

I'll have to remember that moment, though. I do look forward to that moment. When I get to see your little face for the first time, all scrunched up and looking at me like, "Who are you and what is going on here?" It must be so hard for you, too. There is a real peace that sets in when you and I are finally together. Like a big sigh of relief is being let out of both of us.

The moment I finally get to hold you.

I look forward to that.

Catching up - Hair Cuts

Okay...

things have been a little hectic around here lately. What with all the problems that were happening around the house/baby appointments/both girls' birthdays/Christmas/Snow/etc. Then I was having difficulty with my computer and I couldn't download any of my photos. All the little moments and special things in my girls' lives I wanted to blog about kind of got put off. I feel really bad about that, so now I'm trying to do a little catch-up. Unfortunately, while I did manage to free up enough space on my computer to download all my photos I didn't come up with enough space to actually edit them! All I've got ready now are the photos from the girls' big hair-cut day. So...I'll share those up here for now.

But...if any of you have any great recommendations for safe, digital photo storing. I'd love to hear them! I bought an external hard-drive, but it didn't work (huge waste of money). I've heard of on-line places where you can store them, but what if they go belly-up or something? I've put some on disc, but that doesn't seem very safe. I have about 5 years worth of digital photos on my computer and she can't take anymore...but I am terrified to erase them!!! Advice PLEASE!!!

And now...

I bring to you Maddie and Jamie's day at the Salon!

Both girls wanted the hair-cuts. Me? Not so much. I was only convinced to do it once their hair actually reached their bottoms. This, as it turns out, is not great for hygienic/potty-time kinda' reasons that I had never even thought about until it came up. I must say, they do look pretty cute now and their hair is so much easier to keep tangle free. But, boy, did the new `do ever make Maddie look instantly older! eeee. Good thing there is another one in my belly or all this growing up fast stuff would be just too much for me to take, I think.

Baby K - 36 Weeks and Counting

The problems I was having with my computer held me up on posting for a few days, there. I wanted to blog about all the cookies I made for the girls' (postponed due to a snow storm) Christmas dinner at school. I wanted to blog about the cute hair-cuts they got over the Christmas holidays. I wanted to blog about Maddie's big birthday blow-out. I wanted to blog about the cute and incredibly adorable Christmas show they just put on at school. I wanted to blog about their new dance lessons (ballet) and super cute little outfits. And, I wanted to blog about my latest pie, of course. But, all my photos were being held captive on my camera!

So, despite the fact that I still need to get a (working) external hard-drive or some other reliable method of storing all my photos...I did manage to free up some space on my computer just by doing a whole 'lotta deleting. And, I have downloaded photos.

But, as punishment for my being so disorganized and not holding on to the receipt for that stupid hard drive...the only photo I will share with you today is one of me. I look horrible and you will see why I never post photos of myself with braces on...and pregnant...with a girl...in a constant state of sleep deprivation. It just ain't pretty. But, anyway...

I'm 36 weeks and 4 days today. Little Baby K will BE HERE in 11 days. I cannot BELIEVE it. I had another ultrasound (of her) today and one of my heart. The one of my heart was ordered by the anaesthetist with whom I met last week. She was a bit concerned because I have a heart murmur and I've had some problems with palpitations in the past and a fair amount of breathlessness this pregnancy. She told me that the spinal drops your blood pressure a fair amount (mine is already low) and with certain types (?) of murmurs this can be a problem. I don't know what, exactly, she is looking for...I'm just hoping it all turns out okay. A lady I work with found out during her pregnancy that she had a defective valve and she had to have open heart surgery just after her baby was born. Can you imagine? I don't think I could be so brave and I really don't want to find out. I meet with my O.B. again on Thursday, so wish me luck that the results are all clear (for me and the baby)!

In the meantime...
here's what Baby K is up to right about now...

How your baby's growing:Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she's in a head-down position. But if she isn't, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an "external cephalic version," which is a fancy way of saying she'll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

{Baby K is kinda' head down...but mostly...head sideways. When I was pregnant with Maddie, the doctor tried to do one of these external versions on her. Obviously, it didn't work. Poor kiddos don't have much room inside of me. They must love getting out and stretching their legs!! Baby K also seems to have a fair amount of hair! I could see it floating around above her head during the ultrasound today. She had wicked hiccups again, too. I think ultrasounds give her the hiccups! Oh, and her cheeks have already become visibly chubby. So glad to see her packing on the baby fat. And so cute.}